Framing Overview

When we asked thousands of women what they’ve discovered that dramatically increased their pleasure, many shared the following techniques to turn off distracting thoughts and just focus on enjoying the pleasure.

Accompanying each is what they wish they could go back in time and tell their partners so they could have helped.

We were already having incredible sex. And these helped take it to the next level. These aren’t ‘problems’ with ‘solutions,’ they’re things everyone has going on at least a little—and techniques to make it even better.

Stop Thinking About Orgasming, and Start Thinking About Pleasure and Closeness

For many women, thinking about getting to orgasm can make it impossible to get one.

Getting an orgasm is like trying to remember a name, the more you try, the more impossible it is. One partner I had said, ‘it doesn’t matter if you come or not, let’s just enjoy this. I love tasting you.

I love touching you. Just relax and let me do this for you.’ It worked because I didn’t have to worry about him—he was loving it—there really was no pressure on me to ‘get there’ and it was so good.

Taking Ego Out of It:

When I think my partner is trying really hard to make me come, then I can’t. I get this feeling that he’s trying partly for himself, like he’s trying to win a game, instead of it being for me. But when I don’t feel that he’s ‘trying’ and we’re just having fun, I come almost every time.

Partners: Help us get out of our heads.

Repeatedly, we heard that there’s more pleasure when you’re authentically in it for the fun of the journey, not the destination—and you make that really clear.

Many women say they doubt it’s true—so even if they say, ‘I know,’ still say it and show it! Many women come more when they feel less pressure to come. They come more when they believe you’re enjoying giving pleasure. They sometimes appreciate help to stop trying to please you. When their orgasm is partly to make you feel like a good lover, then it’s harder to focus on how it feels.

Hear how Alba gets out of her own head

Temporary Selfishness & The Timer Method

A really effective technique many have found is to do some version of the following experiment: Agree that for some period of time:

she will turn off her thoughts and focus only on the pleasure.
orgasm isn’t the goal and it doesn’t matter if it happens or not.
no small-talk or reciprocating allowed.
no moaning for the partner’s benefit. Silence or loud music is fine.

The Timer:

“What we did, on the advice of a friend, is literally set a timer for 15-20 minutes. And during that time, I don’t say anything, I don’t have to think about him or worry if he’s tired. I can just completely relax.

Sometimes I even put on an eye-mask like they give you on planes. Sounds strange but totally worked for me. I thought I just didn’t like oral sex till we discovered this.”

Partners: You may not mean to pressure us but these things do, anyways.

Many women sometimes need help to stop thinking. Lives are busy. Minds are busy. The more you can get her out of her head and her worries, the better it gets. Try setting a timer, just as an experiment—and give without any reciprocation. Without any worries about time or whether orgasms happen or not.

How Sonya learned to orgasm with a partner

Loving The Giving & Not Asking “Are you Close?”

Whereas asking for feedback during sex is usually really helpful, many women say that their partner asking, ‘are you close?’ is a lose-lose question. Suddenly, you stop focusing on the actual pleasure and start thinking distracting thoughts about the partner and how they are feeling or why you aren’t coming.

The number one orgasm-killer for me is the question, ‘are you going to come soon?’ because then my thoughts take over like—‘am I taking too long?’ ‘are they bored?’ and those thoughts totally distract me and the orgasm goes away.

Loving the Giving

A common story is not being able to orgasm until finding a lover who made it known they really enjoyed the process of giving pleasure.

You know how when you get a back massage from a friend, it feels nice but then after a little while you start thinking, ‘are their hands tired?’ ‘should I say thanks now?’ And during that time you’re not really feeling the pleasure of the massage. That’s what happens for me and orgasms.

Until I had a lover that was so enthusiastic about pleasing me that I knew she wasn’t getting tired or wishing it was over. She wanted to be down there and I knew it—so I stopped thinking about it!

Partners: Take time out of the equation

Many women wish they could abolish the question, ‘are you close’ because it just results in pressure. Questions like, ‘higher or lower?’ ‘slower or faster?’ are wonderful because those are about getting feedback to make it better—but mentioning the O can jinx it.

Women love knowing how much you love giving them pleasure, that it’s not a chore, and that you’d happily do it forever. Even if you’ve told her before, tell her again.