Signaling Overview

When we asked thousands of women what makes the biggest difference in more pleasurable sex, what we heard most often was finding comfortable and specific ways to guide each other to what feels best.

Research shows that even small changes in the approach to communication can dramatically increase pleasure.

I wish I’d known sooner that speaking up makes for far more pleasure for both of us.

How Alba makes feedback sexy and avoids hurt feelings

Keeping It Light

People tend to develop patterns in their sex lives, especially around how much they talk and guide their partners. It can be hard to change since many people don’t want to ‘ruin the mood’ or risk offending a partner.

In fact, the number one reason women don’t tell their partner how things can be more pleasurable: they’re afraid of hurting their feelings.

Signaling is not criticism, it’s simply a way to indicate that you want to explore more of what feels good.

Instead of issuing a formal report card in the middle of sexy-time, many women swear by introducing it as a whole new thing to try.

• “What if tonight I try masturbating with your fingers.”
• “How about I go down on you and try different things and you tell me what’s good, what’s better and what’s best?”

That way, partners can show each other what they enjoy and can ask each other for details during a sexy, novel kind of night, not a big sit-down conversation.

I like to do this thing where I’ll sit in their lap and put their hand on my clit and put my hand over theirs so they can follow my motions.

No partner has ever said no to that! It’s basically a lesson without speaking and they’re like a sponge taking mental notes the whole time.

How Samantha uses her knuckle to show her partner exactly how she wants to be touched on her clit

Know Before You Show

You can’t really tell somebody what you like until you know what you like (we know this seems a little obvious, but we kept hearing it over and over again from the women in our research).

Women who treat their masturbation like exploration - looking for the specific kinds of touch that feel good — find it much easier to guide their partners.

Here’s what a few women had to say about this topic:

I’d always masturbated in the shower with the showerhead on my clit. But then when I was with partners, I couldn’t really explain what I liked because guys aren’t showerheads!

It actually took a few months of really focusing and treating it like something to figure out. It was like a job–a fun job, but it was real work. And then eventually I found the ways I came with a finger or tongue. Only then could I guide my partner to do those things. But that wasn’t until my mid 40s. Wish I had done that sooner!

For most of my life, when my partner would go down on me, I’d know that it wasn’t going to make me come. But I’d wait it out and then pull his head up to put it in and have sex. That was the routine, so I didn’t question it.

Only after I spent some real time alone and tried all sorts of different things did I find something I could do with my fingers that I could show him to do with his tongue. It took a few weeks of searching but then, boom. Figured it out, showed him, been coming ever since.

After Maria had her first orgasm at 36, this is how she learned her body so she could better direct partners in the future

Find Your Recipe

This might sound weird but, some women swear by actually writing down their steps. So instead of general ideas of what feels good you can have some favorite recipes to share with your partner. Take a look at other techniques and experiment.

As one woman said,

I always masturbated without really thinking about what I was doing. I never thought about the actual ways I was rubbing or had words for what I was doing but it worked.

And for me to show my husband how to do it during sex, I actually had to first use a mirror and really think about and even write down how I did it.

When Lee and her partner explored what she liked, they had the best sex in a long time:

No Words Necessary

During our research, we found women who have discovered some pretty great non-verbal ways to show their partners what they like:

Breathing and moaning are popular. But the challenge is that breathing and moaning can’t contain all the information a partner might need. It sort of limits communication to one word: “good,” but just at different volumes.

Some women use breathing and moaning in different ways. Some go silent when something is especially good. Some breathe heavier. Some twitch and some press closer.

So the really genius nonverbal ways of signaling get across lots of information:

Showing Them

Many women guide by adjusting the touch through body movement - if you want it higher, move your hips down. Want more pressure, move against them.

Another popular approach is to actually hold your partner’s hand for a moment and do the motion you want at the speed, pressure and location you like. No words - clear as can be.

Masturbating in front of them is pretty hot, very informative, and pretty daring. You sit facing one another and masturbate, at the same time or taking turns. They see what you like and you see what they like.

How Diana directed her partners by showing them what she liked:

Coming Up With a Code

Some couples swear by coming up with a simple code. One word or sound or motion means things are feeling good. Another word or sound or motion means things aren’t feeling as good as they could.

It’s kind of like the “getting warmer, getting colder!” game. And, it can be introduced as a fun new thing to try, not a critique of your regular sexy-time.

How Sonya and her partner came up with a code that worked for them:

Untying Our Tongues

While non-verbal signaling can be effective, nothing is faster and more clear than explaining exactly what you like.

Our research shows that women who gave specific details about what makes sex more pleasurable for them were eight times more likely to be happier in their relationships and six times more likely to be sexually satisfied.

But it can be tricky. We don’t always have practice being so frank with our language in bed and there often aren’t words for the specific things that feel good. Imagine sharing a recipe without having names for any of the ingredients!

With Clothes On

Even people who don’t like talking in bed find ways to explain what they like. Many women say that phone sex with their partner is the best way to figure out and say the things that turn them on the most. Others like to explain what they like with their clothes on, as a flirtation and foreplay.

Maria’s way to share what she likes before sex start:

Naming What Feels Good

Let’s say you’re exploring and you find something that feels really good. Many women find it extremely helpful to name it - and then share that name with their partner. That way, they can refer back to it and both understand what it is. And it becomes more concrete when you have a specific name instead of the all-too-common, “I like that one thing you did…”

Because, let’s face it, sometimes a woman doesn’t really want to say, “If you could please use your tongue to do alternating circles around my clit, that would be excellent.” But if there’s a mutually understood word that translates to different-sized circles around her clit, then it doesn’t feel as awkward.

“One night my partner was going down on me and for a moment, he pressed upward on the skin over my clit this certain way - and it made my clit feel totally different as he licked. It felt more amazing than anything we’d done before. So I said, ‘keep doing the push up like that’ and ever since we both know ‘the push up’ and because we have a word for it, we can go back to it and I can ask for it with a single word.”

Directional Feedback

Think about when someone asks you to scratch their back. It wouldn’t work if you just scratched different ways and asked the yes/no question, “Does that feel good?” over and over. And it also wouldn’t work if they continually said, “No,” “Uhh, no,” “Nope.” Or if they just said, “Yup,” at the first scratch, whether it really got to the itch or not.

The way to get that great, satisfying scratch is by giving and getting specific feedback like, “Lower, a little lower… yes, but harder. Yes!”

Many women say it’s the same thing in bed. Encouraging but specific feedback is what really helps partners increase the pleasure.

For partners, an easy way to get this kind of feedback is with directional questions like, “Higher like this or lower like this?” or “Faster like this or slow like this?” These kinds of questions are much easier to answer, too.

Anne’s “sneaky way” to give feedback: